nowhere nothin' fuckup

All is not well in the world of Riley, the crushing feeling of hopelessness, i'm going to put on a smiley face and hopefully have a good experience, do some good networking today, maybe start going down a more positive path. I am starting to understand what its like to be broken, helpless in many ways, I hope I don't feel like this for long. Oct. 5th I should be out of this mess, the unemployment appeal is hopefully going to net me enough in unpaid unemployment to get an apartment... it's easier to find a job with an address and a judicially affirmed unfair firing, my employment record sucks until all this gets figured out. I've always had a job, i've been more productiv creatively in the last 26 days than I ever have, but at what cost? I'm trying my best to hide it but I am living out of my backpack, employers don't jump on that when theres a million college students looking for jobs. The good won't come out just yet, I'm going to fall apart, I need to find happiness, joy, love, safety, rest. I'm hurting right now, a hurdle to overcome. I am going to make it, I just hope I don't destroy my ankle/lose my mind before then. I'm awesome, I can do it, I will become everything I want to be, until then I'm just a nowhere nothin' fuckup.

now say a word for Karen Brown

she can't tell the night from the day

they threw her out in the street

just like a cat she landed on her feet

cheer up

Hey there friends! I'm heading back to SF, back to the grind, getting a P.O. box and doing the name change, I'm considering dancing again this week, a couple days of rest has left my ankle feeling about the same, but i'm still a little nervous, I must tread lightly. I need to get excited, the city will get my motor going again, I'm feeling kinda cute and vulnerable right now, not something you want to be in the tenderloin. Toughen up Riley, you can't stay here in Sacramento, its bad news, move forward! Folsom street fair is coming up this weekend, I'm definitely going to be there, shoot me an email if you're going!

More stuff soooooooon!

teddy bear picnic

Inglorious Basterds
Bronson
and now... Shutter Island

Last night my friends watched Inglorious Basterds, a calculatingly brutal movie, and tonight, we watched Bronson, and we just started shutter island.. before i decided to name this post "Teddy Bear Picnic", surprising that the main characters name is "Teddy". Shutter Island looks pretty fail compared to the last two, I'm not a fan of the 300 kind of CGI background look. Make it black and white not Sepia! The crossdressing brother from The Drew Carey Show is also in it, kinda fels like a bunch of celebrities putting on a high school interpretation of "Twin Peaks" with a ending that broadcasts itself with little mystery, like say, the story of the titanic... ha. Whatever, i'm not so worried, looks like it might be a good movie... Ok, I'll stop narrating the movie and get to my point.

I'm a sweet little girl, you know that by reading my site, i'm cute and fun and all that. I've been receiving a wealth of responses saying "I can't believe you're the kind of girl that would strip" or "poor girl, how will you make it on your own" and my response to that is, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW! I've been dealing with the ins and outs of the independent world, i've been on the streets on the east coast for a bit of time, and have always kept my ears to the pavement in Sacramento. Sacramento is a small town with an underground community that keeps things exciting, without saying too much, there's a decent scene going down around there, and I've seen some of the grimier bits.

I could go on about the places i've been, the things I've seen, the back-alleys, the darkness and the energy, the belligerence and the morning afters, the brights lights in a dim places. All you need to know is that I'm tough, I'm a survivor, I will keep going and keep going stronger, better, faster until I find a place to rest, and I will extrovert my efforts to promote these feelings of confidence in others. This grime, these things I see, the struggle and everything, it just makes the little girl bits that much sweeter. There is no binary to the human experience, the good and the bad all kinda melts together into the wonder that is life.

My next post is a love letter i wrote to my teddy bear, its sad but not without hope. Don't despair! All is well! If things are down and out for you, understand that the nectar of life is not always sweet, but unique and amazing nonetheless. Don't fret little ones, the world is a globe, the sun always shines.

feet up

his is just a little post to be less vague about what's been going on with me :P

Due to losing my job and being in an awful apartment situation, I decided to pilgrimage to San Fransisco, this town is unsafe in unique ways, and hormones/healthcare is going to be easier to come by. There's also TONS of resources for people at transitional points in their lives, free lunches, friendly people, i'm finding that there is a community within cracks of the buildings and on the streets, more than i could have imagined. I've met a ton of people, making some great connections... i even got a chance to play The Move!

I've been living out of my backpack, my name change is in process, and should have a P.O. box ASAP. My unemployment appeal is FINALLY going through, I have a date to see the courts on the 3rd of October, hopefully i'll have a more consistent paying job by then, but if not its nice to know I have a chance to get unemployment. My boss lied on the application, claiming that I "threatened" him. After I was fired and told that I wasn't open for rehire, I went and cried in a staircase for a few minutes, came back to get my stuff and my tips, and yes, I did call my boss a pussy, and yes, I did tell him to suck my cock. I was in pretty much rage mode, and you'll never catch me losing my emotions like that. I said nothing threatening, and got into a car with a fellow co-worker and drove off. I found out later the owner fired his daughter that same morning.

He had no reason to fire me, so he made up a reason, and he's been caught in a lie. There were tons of witnesses that saw me working hard, being taken outside by the boss, and then walk around the corner crying. Most of my co-workers agree that the bosses needed to be brought down a peg, and though it was a pretty lame move on my part, I was really upset and felt like I was in a corner. I am so looking forward to the day when those guys are forced to show their true colors, and though I support the local/organic/positive stuff they do, the owners are in it for the money and will do anything for the bottom line. They will get their comeuppance!

That's a positive thing in my life, and one of the many reasons why I feel so much better when I'm out of town. As I mentioned, i'm living with whats on my back, but the backpack is pretty darn heavy. I'm pretty sure just from carrying this load my ankle kinda went out, it feels sprained, I've had to walk on it the last few days, and it was hurting pretty bad even before dancing on weds night, but the next couple days I have the opportunity to put my feet up. I'm hanging out with a friend and will be uploading some new videos, getting things in order for the next time I venture out. My next post will be more detailed recollection of some of the events that have effected and astounded me since my journey started, from near-death motorcycle experiences to backrubs and bbq's in goldengate park to my first experience stripping. Interesting stuff ahead check out this gruesome foot pic!

feet down

I have set out on a journey!

I've been bouncing around the bay area, and parts beyond, I am resting for a moment with a good friend, overwhelmed, exhausted, and full of life.

This will last a lifetime, and this is only the beginning. I've found a part-time situation dancing at a club, I've been meeting some bright lights in the city, finding friends and strangers in crowded streets, dark rooms, while watching sunrises. Working on my name change and gender marker documents makes finding a well-paying job easier, starting to get things figured out, getting information, advice, votes of confidence. Everything is going well, I'm staying on point, staying safe, staying active, staying sane.  

A week after leaving, I'm further east than where I started... I'm heading back there soooon, uploading some stuff in the meantime, going back more structured, focused, I have a much better idea of the city now.

 More soon <3

the city

Hey there! Just checking back in with all my lovely, lovely readers. I'm still doing the backpack thing in SF, I've had so many experiences, it's amazing. I've made new friends, reconnected with old ones, getting things straightened out with the legal parts of transitioning your gender, name change etc. I stripped last night for the first-time, I'll write more about the experience as soon as I decompress from it, but I have to say that I'm not "working" or whoring myself out, and I'm not doing it for the glamor or attention. I was offered a paying gig and I took it, cash rules everything around me, at least for right now. I'm at the library, going to head over to Larkin and get some free food, I've been staying with friends here and there, I've been pretty safe from the perils of the city, keeping my head above water. I'm so determined to save up for an apartment outside of the city, looking for a legitimate job where I don't have to show my ass, literally or metaphorically. It's been less than a week since I've gotten here and I've seen a lifetime of experiences, more stuff soon, I'm not finding myself around computers too often lately, but I'll update when I can.

Isn't it going to be amazing when I'm all settled in a positive place, maybe Pacifica or the East Bay, and I'm looking back on all the things that i've done and smiling, knowing that I actually came to the city and made it, addiction, criminal record and STD free. Let's get serious, lets get successful, lets get SRS!

Now's the time for you to show yo' ass
They ain't handin out no mo' cash

hella

I'm here in San Fransisco, I've EASILY walked 30 miles with a bag that weighs about as much as me, I've have seen things, dear god I have seen things. I'm pretty overwhelmed by my experience, starting to feel more comfortable in the big city. I'm at the library at the moment, I'll be able to hopefully upload some pics and videos and stuffff soon. I have a million stories to tell, I've gotten so much information and my eyes have been opened as much as people have opened their hearts to me. I feel this city lives and breathes, it laughs and screams and cries all in the same breath. I'm headed to my next adventure wish me luck and prosperity.

The word of the day is Carpe Diem! I couldn't have expected this to go better, i've been here for about 36 hours now and I feel like i've lived a lifetime. More stuff soon, life, I love ya, all is groovy :P

tra la la

I got a letter from a sweety, who said they thought of me when they heard this. All the woes of the world go away when a cute little anime song comes on, and this is more or less how I feel right now. I feel in love, like the world has great potential, like the things that have come before have no bearing on the things that lie ahead. I don't feel like a total weight on everything... my M.O. has been sunny side up nihilism, theres so much suffering that we're better off not existing, but we will inherently survive so lets focus on the positive, I've always been so positive because deep down I feel so negative. Now admittedly theres more fear and terror than hugs and sunshine in this world, but not really where I live as much, and even if you catch an oppressed person in the right moment they'll admit that it's not all that bad.

"You can't change anything without changing yourself" I wasn't happy with myself so I wasn't happy with anything, simple as that. The path to self improvement begins within, I feel so freaking awesome all the time. I feel hormonally balanced. Maybe it's from not seeing the same thing over and over again, maybe it's from being around positive people, maybe it's from knowing that I have my hormones set-up for the next year or so, maybe because lately is the first time I've been 100% consistent about the hormones, morning afternoon and night. I needed to break from the patterns that I fell into in my last 9+ years of working in the customer service industry, I know I can find a good job, and I'm so looking forward to learning more about video editing and seriously getting into the video field. 

I feel like I've been bitten by a radioactive Tony Robbins, I've gained the super-power to get over anything almost immediately, to not dwell on the negative and to keep moving forward. It took years to get to this point, but I wouldn't change a thing... wow, i like shuddered when I wrote that, I thought of things I have forgotten, things I would give anything to re-do... but those things happened and i'm in a good place now, so why dwell on them? Same goes for things I can't really control, like all the suffering in the world. 

I'm over it. Life is too awesome to feel sad and frustrated all the time! I'm going to post some stuff about my girly feelings and the talk with my doctor, camera stuff, adventure! More stuff soon, all is well!!!

<3

beyond planet parenthood

Hooooray! I'm all hormoned up, I'm good for appointments for the next 3 months! I have battled the creatures on Planet Parenthood, they have taken much from my coffers and even 5 vials of my blood. This time was particularly awful, I was hoping to go to a clinic in San Fransisco, but I haven't quite made it out there yet. SO I end up going to planned parenthood appointment-less, which is not fun. There were way more protesters than usual this morning which is always fun! I feel so bad for the people who take them seriously, there must be a lot of sad catholic girls out there who feel like their eternal salvation may not come due to using birth control or getting an abortion. I don't like speaking on this particular subject, both abortion or eternal salvation, but planned parenthood does help a lot of people. I think of it like Wal-Mart, everyone working there doesn't want to be there, and the clientèle is largely rude and ignorant, and though they do a plethora of different things, they stir up special interest groups for 1 thing in particular, like selling guns or performing abortions. Hopefully, I will never find myself in either of those places again. On the first of the year I will have state-employee healthcare again, which is awesome, so next check-up will be with a doctor of my choosing. 

Not Planned Parenthood isn't all bad, its the front end that is tough to get past, and though the nurses seem to be a little clumsy with a needle (i have a nasty bruise where I got poked) they are generally caring and friendly and make you feel comfortable, I always get nervous and stuff when I see the doctor, very few people have touched my breasts and I was admittedly a little scruffy, my self esteem was at risk but I also don't like being a transperson at planned parenthood, it's a pretty rough place and people don't keep their opinions to themselves. I did get a vote of confidence when a local leader in the trans-community arrived at about the same-time as  me, as powerful, smart, dynamic transgirl, and she was in heels and her business attire. After catching up I realized that things really are tough all around, but sometimes giving the impression that it isn't helps keep the momentum going, keeps the people around you inspired, this world really needs a groundswell movement of positivity if we're ever going to expect peace and love to be consistent themes.

After getting through all the front-end nonsense, I saw a new doctor, did the physical stuff, told her I was going to stick with my current dose. I had a few questions for her which I will go into in the next post. I'm pretty exhausted, I still have some more writing to do, i just can't promise anything, I'm going to go find a big shady tree to eat strawberries and nap under. More soon. 

labor days

I was planning on telling all these stories, but nothing extremely interesting happened, moved tons of furniture, did some This Old House stuff, it's been fun almost. I tagged along to some parties and encountered all that beer pongery and jello shottery, laughed and had a good time but made the weekend that much tougher. It's over now, I'm safe and sound and happy and have earned a houseful of appreciative friends, healthy eating and more yoga... this town has yoga up the wazoo, I need to recharge my batteries, taking it safe and slow, I'm still no more than a causeway away from where I started. 

I'm having trouble imagining a long-distance relationship with my computer, I know I can post from just about anywhere, but theres some things I still need to organize and post and prepare and all that good stuff. I'm getting the ol' GL2 out for the first time in a week or so today, I'm bursting with ideas and I'm glad so many people have shown their appreciation, and really want to see me blossom. I want to make sure we're all on the same page... my situation has *improved* since I left the apartment, I'm doing this less out of desperation and more to find a place where I can be successful, to break away from my hometown. It was pretty bad there at my old apartment, I'll go into detail later and you will likely wish I hadn't, it was as cute and funky as it was moldy and rat infested. 

Things are very good though, I'm on the right path, I can take this time to be active and create. There's lots of people and excitement around me and they know who I am and what I do, as well as openminded people and independent thinkers themselves. I'm able to head back to Sacramento and get to Planned Parenthood tomorrow morning, I'll let you know how it goes! I'm just a little nervous, not entirely excited but a girls gotta do etc. I'm going to stay on my current dose for now. Completely unrelated, if you like independent hip-hop, check out one of my favorite albums of the genre, Aesop Rock's "Labor Days" 

You'll be hearing from me soon! <3 

My Big Backyard

Remember "Your Big Backyard" Magazines? 

those and Zoobooks were awwwweeeesoooome

Big empty rooms have been a consistant theme in the last 2 days. 4 friends of mine are leaving sacramemto the same time I am, all for different places,. Hawaii, Davis, Vegas, Montreal. I'm spending the majority of my day helping my friend move to Davis, it's a big ragtag bunch of great friends with a little baby girl on the way. These people I will miss and will miss me, my extended family, we have been holding down the streets in Sacramento for a long time, and now we've left it to the next generation. There is something to be said about the bonds you form at a younger age, especially highschool, most splinter off as we mature and become individuals, but sometimes they can last until we're old and grey and playing pokemon cards in assisted living. Seeing my friends procreate is just a lovely reminder that my "extended family": is growing and growing :) I like when good people have kids

So on my grandiose adventure to the wild great yonder I basically haven't left my backyard yet... taking it slow, I guess for now I'm just a wandering good Samaritan :P I'm probably going to leave my studio here for now (yeah i call my computer my "Digital Studio", I'd like to think I do more production than computing) I'll be posting up in this corner of the world for the evening, things kinda accelerated and didn't really get a chance to do a goodbye video in the old apartment, but I have a strong feeling that I will find myself back there in the future... I left most of my furniture there, it'll be nice to think that i can go back and sleep in my own bed again.

If I don't get crushed by a refridgerator today then I will have to mark September 2nd down as a success. I'm going to do a bit of planning and alot of lifting today, so I'll probably catch you a bit later, theres no internet at their new placce so I'm kinda playing it by ear, but I will likely be posting whenever I get a chance too... everyones still sleeping and I'm the little mouse tapping away at the keyboard. Oh and speaking of beds, I can't believe this TV I'm blogging on right now, I could literally lay it down, put my sheets on it and take a digital siesta, all while Life HD is playing below me. Maybe thats what I'll do next, make an LCD bed... well, nevermind, I gues thats just not possible without risk of severe bedwetting shock :P

trying to soak up the last of this summers fresh air and sunlight. 

California coast, beaches and bridges, i'll be seeing you soon.