Blog Archive

Monday, August 8, 2011

media roundup

Hello friends! I'm making a little post to direct you to a couple interviews/notable media pieces I've been involved with. I apologize for not posting more, but there is a method to my madness, and I am still around and well (as well as any struggling artist can be in NYC). I've been trying to minimize my exposure while i'm doing my rounds in the press, I'd like folks to see the site and what I do as an ongoing piece of self-expression, as opposed to a "Look at meeeeee" pattern that is easy to fall into as a blogger. I'm doing my own thing, shooting video and working on projects, expect to see the fruits of my labor once the dust settles a bit.

I've got a press agent in the UK working on my story, a photojournalist just left after taking some portraits for a "faces of fetish" project he's working on, and i'm being flirted with by a couple other media outlets. I've been posted and analyzed by a number of blogs, a 50/50 split of good and bad press. Aaaaand of course, the AB's are still upset that i'm trans, and the trans people are still pissed that i'm AB/DL, and the general public is reacting with gaping maws and vigilant trolling. Still, as I've mentioned in the past most of my readers and people that have responded directly here have been kind and supportive of my decision to get my story out there. Thanks <3

So here we are, check these out... 

There's a ton of blogs that aren't really worth mentioning, and you can find comments/etc on various videos where there's discussion going on, mostly horrible. As I mentioned, look forward to more stuff soon! I've attached a short little (fake)french film I made back in 2006, a favorite project of mine. It was for a 10-day filmmaking event focused around the theme "Love, Loss, Redemption and the Afterparty". Here's the movie and the write-up, enjoy this little tongue-in-cheek ode to the saddest movies in the world.

"Best Random Act of Artistic Audacity"
Riley Kilo took up the 2006 Sacramento International Film and Music Festival's 10x10 Filmmaker Challenge--to make a flick of no more than 10 minutes in no more than 10 days--with aplomb. Having bravely led a discussion on the brutal cinematic angst of Gaspar NoƩ at the French Film Fest a few weeks earlier, Kilo went on hilariously and ingeniously to send up arty, existential Euro-poseur vanity in his own nimble short film, L'ordre de reptillian du jour (The Reptilian Agenda). The brief tale of a suicidal mope narrating his despair in pouty pidgin French (with help from subtitles), L'ordre is but one of Riley's "Random Acts," an ongoing series of happenings he describes as a "mixture of performance art, independent media street theatre, live music, and poetry." His character in the movie may be "overcome with shame and remorse," but the actor and director should be duly proud. (Source: SN&R- September 28th, 2006)

(I guess I was a he back then :P I used my christian name, so I changed it later on)

Sunday, July 24, 2011

I represent me

Here's a quick little video talking about life, diapers, TV, everything!

If you're here from My Strange Addiction, check this out <3

Trans FAQ

Here's an FAQ for the site!

Watch on youtube to skip to specific questions, this is a long one!

Monday, July 18, 2011

normal, strange, unique

Here's a little video where I talk about my life in NYC, my upcoming television premiere and my interest in ageplay/diapers/regression. More words and thoughts and images soon!

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Drag March

It's inspiring to see this many people come together to help redefine gender lines, and express themselves the way they see fit. Of all the videos this weekend, this was the most fun to film/edit

Saturday, June 25, 2011


Here's a video of the 2011 Trans Day of Action in NYC.

I'd like to clarify a couple comments in the video...

I have a strong belief that Trans-people are a VERY at risk group of people, for suicide, drugs, violence, rape, depression, homelessness, the statistics are there, it's why days like this are so important. I wa a bit disheartened by the amount of time they spent on the "War for Oil", there's so much to be said about being trans and transrights, covering too much can distract from the point. 

As for my feelings about Pride, I think it;s a good thing, but much like many other things I find precious, It's been overrun by corporate entities and advertising. It's marketing this image of what it is to be gay, and that doesn't sit well with me. The overwhelming presence of companies like Anheuser-Busch, it seems to be a step-backwards in our progress as a culture, focusing on our vices not on the path ahead.

It's tough for me a little bit, when filming at an event like this, I generally feel out of place due to mot folks seeing me as a genetic female, like I'm an outsider looking in, and on the opposite end, when I'm at more gay/lesbian events, I am a bit out of place for being trans, something many folk still don't understand (or venture to understand). 

There's a ton of positive things going on and some negative trends as well, I think it;s important for the community to unite and find a proper groove, things are getting better and better for LGBT people everyday, lets not stop now!

Legalize it

NY state just legalized gay marriage! I went to Stonewall to capture the festivities leading up the decision, to see the angst and anger or elation and expression. The moments leading up to it were tense, as you can see in the video, and when they finally passed the vote, the bar, streets, whole village exploded. I've seen pride festivals, gay legislature passed, crazy street parties, this was those and more. There was a thick NYPD presence and the city showed it's diversity by the many bystanders that had little to no idea why tons of GLBT people were losing their minds in the streets. The energy of excitement and liberation was there, the weather, mood, music, everything represented clouds opening to bring in a refreshing new glow to a city. There were many glowing couples tonight, part of a discriminated against people who just were allowed another step towards being recognized as equals, many steps to go, but this is a big one. This happened in California, everybody got excited, I was there at the rallys and parties and then it was all taken away, I hope it'll stick this time.

There's a humid smog that resonates over the city this time of year, but tonight was crips, clean, a beautiful June night. There's many people who can breathe a little easier tonight, knowing that a chapter in the fight for legally expressing their love has come to a close. It's another 30 days before it goes through and there's always more bumps in the road ahead, but tonight is awesome, and a majority of New York lawmakers managed to do the "Love" movement a solid tonight. Very exciting, now let's find the next fight (gender rights maybe?) and get behind that with all 100,000 jiggawatts that our community can produce when we unite. Transday of action was cool, lots of different agendas, sign waving and speeches, a nice little march around city hall, but the numbers weren't there yet.

The Drag march was also a bit of a drag, it was more about burningman-esq freak-outery than rights and legislation, and that's cool, just more of a crazy party than anything. It's interesting to see beautiful girls who haven't started and have no desire to transition, just hot made-up men, alongside transpeople, cisgendered people and genderhackers. It's inspiring to see people get down in a unique way, but does pride have the same effect as burning man, when folks go crazy for a small part of the year and then going back to conforming as soon as the playa is washed off or the glitter fades? Who knows, NYC is so terribly diverse that its best not to judge folks off of appearances... wait, that's an awful thing to do anywhere.

Tonight was awesome, I'm exhausted, enjoy the video :) Trans Day of Action and Drag March videos coming soon, I feel like I took part in something historic, I'm totally giddy right now as I sit down at the computer to edit the video you see above. More stuff soooon!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

you can react if you want to

After leaving the club last night, I had a few hundred in my pocket, I felt hot and dirty from the drinks and busy hands of the clientele there. I wrongly expected a strip club, what I found was more of a free-for-all. For context, let me lay down some details of my experience stripping in SF.

The club was a transgender specific venue, dancers on Tuesday and Thursday, drag shows other nights. The strippers started around 10:30 and went until last call at 2, usually didn't get busy until 1. The reason for this was that most of the people didn't come to enjoy the environment, they came to bring a girl home with them. There were 2 authoritative figures, the owner and a bossy DJ, the owner was a smart but strict, kinda mousy and obviously an admirer. He told me the rules my first night there, no nudity off the stage, only topless onstage, no touching or toplessness in the champagne room, no going home with people, everyone dances 3 times a night to a 3 song set, your first night there you had to dance first. There were set prices and lengths for lapdances and the owner kept a close eye on the girls and visitors. The girls kept all the money they made, the drinks were moderately priced and all the bar/door income went to the club.

It was kinda safe, kinda fun, the girls still broke all the rules all the time, but there was at least a facade of authority. At the club in NYC it was much more of a free-for-all, lapdances were twenty but you could get down anywhere, the girls all acted as free agents not as employees. The drinks were super expensive, the club doesn't seem to always host transgirls so the door (which was twice as much as SF) and bar were likely split between the promotor and club.

Both places were equally sleazy, but SF had a bit more charm to it. It was more of a show, and the nights didn't go so long due to bars closing at 2am instead of NYC's 4am. I worked both clubs for the reason I do many things, for the experience. It was interesting to see the part of the transcommunity that you rarely see at leadership conferences and support groups. Sex workers are easily the least protected and most at-risk group, I think solutions come from understanding, and that begins with being able to relate. I have more opportunities available to me than the girls that work those places, even if it's merely youth or longer periods of sobriety or the ability to use a computer. I want to do what I can to help my sisters and at the same time not judge, I've sinned enough to not start picking up stones. I like that analogy so I'm going to stick with it, but honestly, sex work is underground, shameful, not polite conversation yet an inevitable part of society (see "oldest profession"). It happens everyday all the time and I feel we should do overcome the taboo of it and protect those involved.

I will likely be going to the clubs again, but with a different mindset. It seems like a good place to be seen by promoters and industry people, and I've been among the youngest, most natural of the girls there so I've received a ton of attention. When I first walked in, I was completely ignored until the loudest girl (we had one in SF) asked me if I had a cock (same thing happened in SF, except backstage). I like being passable, but I've faced my share of adversity from gay people as well, society is a total mess. I'll be posting more about my adventures both above and below ground, I'll be reporting (semi)live from the frontlines of the gender movement, I'll fill you in on the grimy bits. More stuff soon, stay vigilant and stay proud :)

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

you can dance if you want to

I'm crotch deep in this city right now. Its been 2 whole weeks since I came here, and I've already seen/done so much. I've been to transgender meetup groups, set up an appointment for a doctor, started the name change process, went to a few fetish munches and parties, and a day long fetish-con. Tonight I am visiting a club much like one I've mentioned in San Francisco, it's a place where a young, attractive transgirl can make a bit of easy money, if she's willing to take off her clothes and dance. I tend to break it down like that, it helps me rationalize my actions, it also kinda makes me laugh.

I don't know what to expect, I imagine its a strip club and there's rules/methods of doing things, I'm curious to see how NY differs from SF. I'm not desperate for the money, but I'm spending more than I'm making, at least in the last 2 weeks. It's just a really interesting experience, you make good money and meet interesting people. I could walk in the place and be told I'm not cute enough, not transitioned enough, or not a good enough dancer, but I think my body is very marketable at this point. I'm not above using my physical apprerance to get into doors that otherwise would be closed, but I honestly do have a "righteous cause". The internal debate of ends and means is there but complacency rarely wins out, at least since moving to NYC.

I feel hot! I feel sexy, why not do it? I was thinking earlier it surprised me how little I expected to do this, even as a young transgirl. I have never felt as attractive and/or attracted to myself as I am right now, and will stripping effect that? Will it effect my ego, and make me feel less awesome? Some of the coolest people I've known have stripped at one point, my junior prom & senior ball dates both became strippers. There's a HUGE stigma about this, sex workers are not protected by the law, and it is sometimes the only option to make it in the city. I'm sacrificing my reputation (which wasn't immaculate to begin with) to be open about something that many girls can't be. This is real life, I will leave no detail omitted and I can still feel my integrity is intact, it's hard to understand, so I'm putting it down on paper.

I connected with some of the girls in SF, learned a few origin stories, some of it was really sad, we were these shunned little sex workers. There is a very dark side to it all, the things that go on in the backroom, in the cars and tiny hotel rooms, the smeared makeup & roll of twenties on the dresser. You can be torn down by the mindset that everyone sees you as a whore, that you'll never be accepted and these decisions will follow you forever. I already feel like an outcast, I felt like I was compromising my integrity when I was working for a major corporation or a controlling asshole at a coffee shop. I'm smart and tough enough to not get myself into too scary of a situation, and if something awful happens, it's happened as I walked to work or existed in other places within mainstream society, why not have some control over the situation, go underground and stack bills? I need income to achieve my goals, and sometimes we have to take calculated risks.

I went on Cam4 this morning, and had 800 people watching me. I have a photographer or two to work with, I hope to produce a TON of content, of myself and others, and use that money to fund my creative projects, that's the plan, and it looks like it's working out. I'm excited, but still have a ton of work to do I'm going to give these clubs a shot on the east coast, and may my ego be the only thing bruised.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

gone and going

To finish a thought or two from the last post, on the topic of education/ways of learning... 

You're not an idiot Riley, you just need a little help now and then. That's why there is a community, to reach out to folks who may not be able to gather the resources themselves. After visiting the pride center as well as a local clinic, I have an appointment to see a Dr. late in July. I have a few other places to check and see if I can get in earlier, but the place where I'm scheduled is supposed to be the best in NYC, contact me for more info if you're from the area. I'll be writing more about the various pride centers I've visited over the years and my most recent experience, all positive and with their own quirks. I'll be keeping you posted as to my progress, this city has inspired me to not only get my transition in gear but to start sharing it with the world to a further degree. LetsGetSRS is being renovated including trying out new looks/setting up some ad-revenue stuff to help finance my adventures.

Moving on, I'm currently headed to a friends in Brooklyn from the NYC pride center in the West Village, I'm getting more familiar with the transit here, its pretty awesome. I put a cute little outfit on and a splash of make-up before heading out, I always try to look my best at the pride centers and I love to pass well enough where they don't know why I'm visiting. The train ride was uneventful, and unfortunately so was the meeting... I showed up and sat in an empty room waiting for the people to materialize, which they never did. It was suppose to be a first Monday name change clinic for folks like myself who want to get more legal, instead it was me feeling kinda lonely and writing this.

Before I left my apartment today I took a nice long shower, and when I got out I caught a glimpse of my growing body in the mirror, and I got all weepy and happy, seeing my little forming breasts, which used to be flat, and then little growing fleshy bits, to actual breasts, I actually have breasts! I've come so far, and I'm at the point where I've made it, i'm a girl, I'm who I've wanted to be. "Good job Riley, you've made it" I said to myself, and I really feel that way. There's still a million things to do, but I'm pretty happy with things right now. I could be less hairy, I could be post-op, I really could do some girly things better, but it's the inner peace that feels soooo good. I'm getting more comfortable everyday, i think my dysphoria has found a happy place, I don't feel so trans, I just feel Riley.

Sooooooooooooo now I have to learn stuff all by myself! Luckily NYC has a ton of resources, I'm going to try and contact the person who was to lead the clinic today, and hopefully that will be a good start. If not, there's quite a few other sites/folks I can talk to. The next step after that and trying to find a clinic that will see me sooner is finding a good hair removal clinic, I have had enough of razor burn, cuts and having to shave my dark-haired Irish self every day. My body hair has lightened, but my chest, face and bikini area could use some love, legs/arms/etc also could use a little laser show.

Other than stuff that's going to make me look/feel better or aid in my transition, my other main focuses right now are cam performance, getting my adult website up and running, finding a consistant photographer and potentially an agent in NYC. Pride is coming up later this month, i'll maybe get a part-time bar/coffee job, and hopefully some freelance video work, there's lots to be done and to do. I have to say, where I'm sitting, the roof of a friends apartment, is amazing, the view! Feeling awesome means more video, more expression, it's really hard to make it through the postproduction process when you can't stand your own visage, everything I shoot here brings a smile to my face, I hope you'll like it too :)

Look forward to some video in the near future, stuff about  LGB vs T, the mainstreaming of Pride, trans punk rockers, physical/mental changes, life in the city and other tales. It's been a pretty interesting journey and it keeps getting better and better! Read, share, comment and enjoy :)

Thursday, June 2, 2011


I'm writing from the subway while headed to the manhattan pride center! I'm optimistic about this being the place to help "legalize" my transition. I haven't had the mental capacity, steady address or money to change my name, I am still legally my Christian name. It's supposed to be pretty easy to do around here, I've got the money and I'm being sent a copy of my CA birth certificate, I don't forsee any issues. My biggest concern is arranging my identification for Thailand, I have a passport, but I'm looking forward to having one with my proper name/gender marker, same with my drivers license. There's lots of resources on the Internet, but much of it is outdated, poorly expressed and confusing, and this gets me on the topic of different ways of learning.

I did awful in school. I was in a ton of advanced programs when I was little and then the classic tale of divorced parents and lack of giving a fuck began. I went from a christian private school to the public school system in Rosemont, California because my folks could no longer afford it, they were barely able to in the first place but wanted to give me and my sibling a proper education. I was smarter than most of my peers, but none of the other kids had that kind of care in their formative years... but they had also been toughened up, I was pasty and tiny, my fear of God and eternity was only equal to my fear of the other kids around me. These were not good times, I was living between my 3 parents, a mom, dad and alcoholic stepfather, I lied about doing my homework and when I did  put in the effort, it was often lost it in transit. I was really into computers, hacking and hardware and that became my life, I went to a less trashy middle school, still constantly in flux with my living situation, started making friends and getting into Drama classes, got involved with a casting agency and started working as an actor. The staircase incident put a huge wrench in my plans and kept me from pursuing my digital dreams, still to this day my dexterity is shot. I became very unliked, the kid who assaulted me was very popular, life added a big un to my bearable situation. My two other hobbies at the time, bowling and masturbation, were also hindered. I was suicidal at a very young age, afraid of myself as much as I was god or the devils around me.

Throughout highschool, I mostly made jokes in class, tried to look up girls skirts and read books that interested me. I worked on extra curricular activities like Every15Minutes, I was well liked by the faculty and made friends with students and teachers. I started a ton of clubs (including Jedi Club) and got my ass kicked a number of times for just being small and different, I became friends with the scary trenchcoat kids and eventually started getting respect from bully's. I barely graduated yet I was the only student to speak at graduation, story of my life.

I went to city college for 9 weeks and dropped out, mostly due to a geology class. And that's where this story ends, a little background to help make my point. I have never been able to open a textbook and retain information, taking notes helps a little, but I've learned more from narratives in film/books/other media than I have when I'm using study materials. I've always been a different kind of learner,  as opposed to an idiot or lazy, as I was perceived in school. I've never done myself the disservice of getting a clinical perspective on my learning abilities, I would have totally been on all sorts of drugs, but fuck that! The system wasn't designed for us, the millions of people that feel the way I do. Some say ADD/ADHD/Aspie, I was always called "street smart", I feel there's many different ways to learn and all can lead to the same discoveries.

My stops coming up so I'll take my leave for now, look forward to an update and I'll look forward to getting more info to share with you :)