tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27023841328575965942024-03-12T20:07:40.753-07:00Lets Get SRSgetting serious about...Riley Kilohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14663131132813828271noreply@blogger.comBlogger127125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2702384132857596594.post-70331290312172997102011-09-02T18:05:00.000-07:002011-10-04T04:11:09.308-07:00since we last spoke<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="345" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/NBthu64frQQ" width="560"></iframe><br />
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Be well internet!Riley Kilohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14663131132813828271noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2702384132857596594.post-65965250901147673512011-08-08T21:28:00.000-07:002011-08-08T21:29:51.221-07:00media roundup<div style="text-align: center;">Hello friends! I'm making a little post to direct you to a couple interviews/notable media pieces I've been involved with. I apologize for not posting more, but there is a method to my madness, and I am still around and well (as well as any struggling artist can be in NYC). I've been trying to minimize my exposure while i'm doing my rounds in the press, I'd like folks to see the site and what I do as an ongoing piece of self-expression, as opposed to a "Look at meeeeee" pattern that is easy to fall into as a blogger. I'm doing my own thing, shooting video and working on projects, expect to see the fruits of my labor once the dust settles a bit.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">I've got a press agent in the UK working on my story, a photojournalist just left after taking some portraits for a "faces of fetish" project he's working on, and i'm being flirted with by a couple other media outlets. I've been posted and analyzed by a number of blogs, a 50/50 split of good and bad press. Aaaaand of course, the AB's are still upset that i'm trans, and the trans people are still pissed that i'm AB/DL, and the general public is reacting with gaping maws and vigilant trolling. Still, as I've mentioned in the past most of my readers and people that have responded directly here have been kind and supportive of my decision to get my story out there. Thanks <3</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">So here we are, check these out... </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.biglittlepodcast.com/2011/07/episode-24-transgendered-age-players/">Big Little Podcast Episode 24: Transgender ageplayers </a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.blogger.com/goog_1527451328"><br />
</a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://youtu.be/ZOQDQBPrdsU">The Soup: Clip of The Week</a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.blogger.com/goog_1527451331"><br />
</a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.betabeat.com/2011/08/03/pony-up-haters-how-4chan-gave-birth-to-the-bronies/">NY Observer article about 4chan and Ponies</a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.blogger.com/goog_1527451334"><br />
</a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://idiaper.me/v2/2011/riley-kilo-on-tlc-my-strange-addiction/">IDiaper.me article about the episode (great community blog)</a><br />
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<a href="http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/jcwfa/iama_adult_babydiaper_lover_featured_on_tlcs_my/">IAmA on Reddit</a> </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">There's a ton of blogs that aren't really worth mentioning, and you can find comments/etc on various videos where there's discussion going on, mostly horrible. As I mentioned, look forward to more stuff soon! I've attached a short little (fake)french film I made back in 2006, a favorite project of mine. It was for a 10-day filmmaking event focused around the theme "Love, Loss, Redemption and the Afterparty". Here's the movie and the write-up, enjoy this little tongue-in-cheek ode to the saddest movies in the world. </div><div style="text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/naTkec9zG-c" width="480"></iframe> </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">"Best Random Act of Artistic Audacity"<br />
Riley Kilo took up the 2006 Sacramento International Film and Music Festival's 10x10 Filmmaker Challenge--to make a flick of no more than 10 minutes in no more than 10 days--with aplomb. Having bravely led a discussion on the brutal cinematic angst of Gaspar Noé at the French Film Fest a few weeks earlier, Kilo went on hilariously and ingeniously to send up arty, existential Euro-poseur vanity in his own nimble short film, L'ordre de reptillian du jour (The Reptilian Agenda). The brief tale of a suicidal mope narrating his despair in pouty pidgin French (with help from subtitles), L'ordre is but one of Riley's "Random Acts," an ongoing series of happenings he describes as a "mixture of performance art, independent media street theatre, live music, and poetry." His character in the movie may be "overcome with shame and remorse," but the actor and director should be duly proud. (Source: SN&R- September 28th, 2006)</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">(I guess I was a he back then :P I used my christian name, so I changed it later on) </div>Riley Kilohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14663131132813828271noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2702384132857596594.post-19213054431652021722011-07-24T15:34:00.000-07:002011-07-24T15:34:12.826-07:00I represent me<div style="text-align: center;">Here's a quick little video talking about life, diapers, TV, everything!</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">If you're here from My Strange Addiction, check this out <3</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/6u68B-emey0?hd=1" width="560"></iframe></div>Riley Kilohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14663131132813828271noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2702384132857596594.post-43463080636777169672011-07-24T15:32:00.000-07:002011-07-24T15:32:28.217-07:00Trans FAQ<div style="text-align: center;">Here's an FAQ for the site!</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">Watch on <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bRdrOlF1ZRw">youtube</a> to skip to specific questions, this is a long one!</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/bRdrOlF1ZRw?hd=1" width="560"></iframe></div>Riley Kilohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14663131132813828271noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2702384132857596594.post-9199036279212412942011-07-18T14:18:00.000-07:002011-07-18T14:18:04.250-07:00normal, strange, unique<div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 21px;">Here's a little video where I talk about my life in NYC, my upcoming television premiere and my interest in ageplay/diapers/regression. More words and thoughts and images soon!</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/fQTCFSO0-BY?hd=1" width="560"></iframe></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div>Riley Kilohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14663131132813828271noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2702384132857596594.post-42635067336761394522011-06-26T07:14:00.001-07:002011-06-26T07:14:28.360-07:00Drag March<div style="text-align: center;">It's inspiring to see this many people come together to help redefine gender lines, and express themselves the way they see fit. Of all the videos this weekend, this was the most fun to film/edit </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/lydvjAW14Ks?hd=1" width="560"></iframe></div>Riley Kilohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14663131132813828271noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2702384132857596594.post-6830433963691785832011-06-25T18:44:00.000-07:002011-06-25T18:53:48.570-07:00transaction<div style="text-align: center;">Here's a video of the 2011 Trans Day of Action in NYC. </div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><iframe width="560" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/KThl8qiPzGM?hd=1" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">I'd like to clarify a couple comments in the video...</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">I have a strong belief that Trans-people are a VERY at risk group of people, for suicide, drugs, violence, rape, depression, homelessness, the statistics are there, it's why days like this are so important. I wa a bit disheartened by the amount of time they spent on the "War for Oil", there's so much to be said about being trans and transrights, covering too much can distract from the point. </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">As for my feelings about Pride, I think it;s a good thing, but much like many other things I find precious, It's been overrun by corporate entities and advertising. It's marketing this image of what it is to be gay, and that doesn't sit well with me. The overwhelming presence of companies like Anheuser-Busch, it seems to be a step-backwards in our progress as a culture, focusing on our vices not on the path ahead.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">It's tough for me a little bit, when filming at an event like this, I generally feel out of place due to mot folks seeing me as a genetic female, like I'm an outsider looking in, and on the opposite end, when I'm at more gay/lesbian events, I am a bit out of place for being trans, something many folk still don't understand (or venture to understand). </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">There's a ton of positive things going on and some negative trends as well, I think it;s important for the community to unite and find a proper groove, things are getting better and better for LGBT people everyday, lets not stop now!</div>Riley Kilohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14663131132813828271noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2702384132857596594.post-58986097812530011632011-06-25T02:51:00.000-07:002011-06-25T03:38:02.636-07:00Legalize it<a href="http://tinyurl.com/6gvecyh">NY state just legalized gay marriage</a>! I went to Stonewall to capture the festivities leading up the decision, to see the angst and anger or elation and expression. The moments leading up to it were tense, as you can see in the video, and when they finally passed the vote, the bar, streets, whole village exploded. I've seen pride festivals, gay legislature passed, crazy street parties, this was those and more. There was a thick NYPD presence and the city showed it's diversity by the many bystanders that had little to no idea why tons of GLBT people were losing their minds in the streets. The energy of excitement and liberation was there, the weather, mood, music, everything represented clouds opening to bring in a refreshing new glow to a city. There were many glowing couples tonight, part of a discriminated against people who just were allowed another step towards being recognized as equals, many steps to go, but this is a big one. This happened in California, everybody got excited, I was there at the rallys and parties and then it was all taken away, I hope it'll stick this time.<br />
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There's a humid smog that resonates over the city this time of year, but tonight was crips, clean, a beautiful June night. There's many people who can breathe a little easier tonight, knowing that a chapter in the fight for legally expressing their love has come to a close. It's another 30 days before it goes through and there's always more bumps in the road ahead, but tonight is awesome, and a majority of New York lawmakers managed to do the "Love" movement a solid tonight. Very exciting, now let's find the next fight (gender rights maybe?) and get behind that with all 100,000 jiggawatts that our community can produce when we unite. Transday of action was cool, lots of different agendas, sign waving and speeches, a nice little march around city hall, but the numbers weren't there yet.<br />
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The Drag march was also a bit of a drag, it was more about burningman-esq freak-outery than rights and legislation, and that's cool, just more of a crazy party than anything. It's interesting to see beautiful girls who haven't started and have no desire to transition, just hot made-up men, alongside transpeople, cisgendered people and genderhackers. It's inspiring to see people get down in a unique way, but does pride have the same effect as burning man, when folks go crazy for a small part of the year and then going back to conforming as soon as the playa is washed off or the glitter fades? Who knows, NYC is so terribly diverse that its best not to judge folks off of appearances... wait, that's an awful thing to do anywhere.<br />
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Tonight was awesome, I'm exhausted, enjoy the video :) Trans Day of Action and Drag March videos coming soon, I feel like I took part in something historic, I'm totally giddy right now as I sit down at the computer to edit the video you see above. More stuff soooon!<br />
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<iframe width="560" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/x8LvI1E1gwQ?hd=1" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>Riley Kilohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14663131132813828271noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2702384132857596594.post-43663100334613895122011-06-21T20:23:00.000-07:002011-06-21T20:29:51.228-07:00you can react if you want toAfter leaving the club last night, I had a few hundred in my pocket, I felt hot and dirty from the drinks and busy hands of the clientele there. I wrongly expected a strip club, what I found was more of a free-for-all. For context, let me lay down some details of my experience stripping in SF.<br />
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The club was a transgender specific venue, dancers on Tuesday and Thursday, drag shows other nights. The strippers started around 10:30 and went until last call at 2, usually didn't get busy until 1. The reason for this was that most of the people didn't come to enjoy the environment, they came to bring a girl home with them. There were 2 authoritative figures, the owner and a bossy DJ, the owner was a smart but strict, kinda mousy and obviously an admirer. He told me the rules my first night there, no nudity off the stage, only topless onstage, no touching or toplessness in the champagne room, no going home with people, everyone dances 3 times a night to a 3 song set, your first night there you had to dance first. There were set prices and lengths for lapdances and the owner kept a close eye on the girls and visitors. The girls kept all the money they made, the drinks were moderately priced and all the bar/door income went to the club.<br />
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It was kinda safe, kinda fun, the girls still broke all the rules all the time, but there was at least a facade of authority. At the club in NYC it was much more of a free-for-all, lapdances were twenty but you could get down anywhere, the girls all acted as free agents not as employees. The drinks were super expensive, the club doesn't seem to always host transgirls so the door (which was twice as much as SF) and bar were likely split between the promotor and club.<br />
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Both places were equally sleazy, but SF had a bit more charm to it. It was more of a show, and the nights didn't go so long due to bars closing at 2am instead of NYC's 4am. I worked both clubs for the reason I do many things, for the experience. It was interesting to see the part of the transcommunity that you rarely see at leadership conferences and support groups. Sex workers are easily the least protected and most at-risk group, I think solutions come from understanding, and that begins with being able to relate. I have more opportunities available to me than the girls that work those places, even if it's merely youth or longer periods of sobriety or the ability to use a computer. I want to do what I can to help my sisters and at the same time not judge, I've sinned enough to not start picking up stones. I like that analogy so I'm going to stick with it, but honestly, sex work is underground, shameful, not polite conversation yet an inevitable part of society (see "<a href="http://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C1CHFX_enUS424US424&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&q=oldest+profession">oldest profession</a>"). It happens everyday all the time and I feel we should do overcome the taboo of it and protect those involved.<br />
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I will likely be going to the clubs again, but with a different mindset. It seems like a good place to be seen by promoters and industry people, and I've been among the youngest, most natural of the girls there so I've received a ton of attention. When I first walked in, I was completely ignored until the loudest girl (we had one in SF) asked me if I had a cock (same thing happened in SF, except backstage). I like being passable, but I've faced my share of adversity from gay people as well, society is a total mess. I'll be posting more about my adventures both above and below ground, I'll be reporting (semi)live from the frontlines of the gender movement, I'll fill you in on the grimy bits. More stuff soon, stay vigilant and stay proud :)Riley Kilohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14663131132813828271noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2702384132857596594.post-36169204914542833022011-06-15T16:13:00.000-07:002011-06-16T07:33:21.788-07:00you can dance if you want toI'm crotch deep in this city right now. Its been 2 whole weeks since I came here, and I've already seen/done so much. I've been to transgender meetup groups, set up an appointment for a doctor, started the name change process, went to a few fetish munches and parties, and a day long fetish-con. Tonight I am visiting a club much like one I've mentioned in San Francisco, it's a place where a young, attractive transgirl can make a bit of easy money, if she's willing to take off her clothes and dance. I tend to break it down like that, it helps me rationalize my actions, it also kinda makes me laugh.<br />
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I don't know what to expect, I imagine its a strip club and there's rules/methods of doing things, I'm curious to see how NY differs from SF. I'm not desperate for the money, but I'm spending more than I'm making, at least in the last 2 weeks. It's just a really interesting experience, you make good money and meet interesting people. I could walk in the place and be told I'm not cute enough, not transitioned enough, or not a good enough dancer, but I think my body is very marketable at this point. I'm not above using my physical apprerance to get into doors that otherwise would be closed, but I honestly do have a "righteous cause". The internal debate of ends and means is there but complacency rarely wins out, at least since moving to NYC.<br />
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I feel hot! I feel sexy, why not do it? I was thinking earlier it surprised me how little I expected to do this, even as a young transgirl. I have never felt as attractive and/or attracted to myself as I am right now, and will stripping effect that? Will it effect my ego, and make me feel less awesome? Some of the coolest people I've known have stripped at one point, my junior prom & senior ball dates both became strippers. There's a HUGE stigma about this, sex workers are not protected by the law, and it is sometimes the only option to make it in the city. I'm sacrificing my reputation (which wasn't immaculate to begin with) to be open about something that many girls can't be. This is real life, I will leave no detail omitted and I can still feel my integrity is intact, it's hard to understand, so I'm putting it down on paper.<br />
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I connected with some of the girls in SF, learned a few origin stories, some of it was really sad, we were these shunned little sex workers. There is a very dark side to it all, the things that go on in the backroom, in the cars and tiny hotel rooms, the smeared makeup & roll of twenties on the dresser. You can be torn down by the mindset that everyone sees you as a whore, that you'll never be accepted and these decisions will follow you forever. I already feel like an outcast, I felt like I was compromising my integrity when I was working for a major corporation or a controlling asshole at a coffee shop. I'm smart and tough enough to not get myself into too scary of a situation, and if something awful happens, it's happened as I walked to work or existed in other places within mainstream society, why not have some control over the situation, go underground and stack bills? I need income to achieve my goals, and sometimes we have to take calculated risks.<br />
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I went on Cam4 this morning, and had 800 people watching me. I have a photographer or two to work with, I hope to produce a TON of content, of myself and others, and use that money to fund my creative projects, that's the plan, and it looks like it's working out. I'm excited, but still have a ton of work to do I'm going to give these clubs a shot on the east coast, and may my ego be the only thing bruised.Riley Kilohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14663131132813828271noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2702384132857596594.post-59490305400232393202011-06-07T05:35:00.000-07:002011-06-07T05:35:04.247-07:00gone and going<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">To finish a thought or two from the last post, on the topic of education/ways of learning... </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">You're not an idiot Riley, you just need a little help now and then. That's why there is a community, to reach out to folks who may not be able to gather the resources themselves. After visiting the pride center as well as a local clinic, I have an appointment to see a Dr. late in July. I have a few other places to check and see if I can get in earlier, but the place where I'm scheduled is supposed to be the best in NYC, contact me for more info if you're from the area. I'll be writing more about the various pride centers I've visited over the years and my most recent experience, all positive and with their own quirks. I'll be keeping you posted as to my progress, this city has inspired me to not only get my transition in gear but to start sharing it with the world to a further degree. LetsGetSRS is being renovated including trying out new looks/setting up some ad-revenue stuff to help finance my adventures.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br />
</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br />
</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Moving on, I'm currently headed to a friends in Brooklyn from the NYC pride center in the West Village, I'm getting more familiar with the transit here, its pretty awesome. I put a cute little outfit on and a splash of make-up before heading out, I always try to look my best at the pride centers and I love to pass well enough where they don't know why I'm visiting. The train ride was uneventful, and unfortunately so was the meeting... I showed up and sat in an empty room waiting for the people to materialize, which they never did. It was suppose to be a first Monday name change clinic for folks like myself who want to get more legal, instead it was me feeling kinda lonely and writing this.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Before I left my apartment today I took a nice long shower, and when I got out I caught a glimpse of my growing body in the mirror, and I got all weepy and happy, seeing my little forming breasts, which used to be flat, and then little growing fleshy bits, to actual breasts, I actually have breasts! I've come so far, and I'm at the point where I've made it, i'm a girl, I'm who I've wanted to be. "Good job Riley, you've made it" I said to myself, and I really feel that way. There's still a million things to do, but I'm pretty happy with things right now. I could be less hairy, I could be post-op, I really could do some girly things better, but it's the inner peace that feels soooo good. I'm getting more comfortable everyday, i think my dysphoria has found a happy place, I don't feel so trans, I just feel Riley.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br />
</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br />
</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Sooooooooooooo now I have to learn stuff all by myself! Luckily NYC has a ton of resources, I'm going to try and contact the person who was to lead the clinic today, and hopefully that will be a good start. If not, there's quite a few other sites/folks I can talk to. The next step after that and trying to find a clinic that will see me sooner is finding a good hair removal clinic, I have had enough of razor burn, cuts and having to shave my dark-haired Irish self every day. My body hair has lightened, but my chest, face and bikini area could use some love, legs/arms/etc also could use a little laser show.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br />
</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br />
</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Other than stuff that's going to make me look/feel better or aid in my transition, my other main focuses right now are cam performance, getting my adult website up and running, finding a consistant photographer and potentially an agent in NYC. Pride is coming up later this month, i'll maybe get a part-time bar/coffee job, and hopefully some freelance video work, there's lots to be done and to do. I have to say, where I'm sitting, the roof of a friends apartment, is amazing, the view! Feeling awesome means more video, more expression, it's really hard to make it through the postproduction process when you can't stand your own visage, everything I shoot here brings a smile to my face, I hope you'll like it too :)</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Look forward to some video in the near future, stuff about LGB vs T, the mainstreaming of Pride, trans punk rockers, physical/mental changes, life in the city and other tales. It's been a pretty interesting journey and it keeps getting better and better! Read, share, comment and enjoy :)</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br />
</span>Riley Kilohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14663131132813828271noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2702384132857596594.post-61220651016351929972011-06-02T19:01:00.000-07:002011-06-03T18:13:28.831-07:00NingI'm writing from the subway while headed to the manhattan pride center! I'm optimistic about this being the place to help "legalize" my transition. I haven't had the mental capacity, steady address or money to change my name, I am still legally my Christian name. It's supposed to be pretty easy to do around here, I've got the money and I'm being sent a copy of my CA birth certificate, I don't forsee any issues. My biggest concern is arranging my identification for Thailand, I have a passport, but I'm looking forward to having one with my proper name/gender marker, same with my drivers license. There's lots of resources on the Internet, but much of it is outdated, poorly expressed and confusing, and this gets me on the topic of different ways of learning.<br />
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I did awful in school. I was in a ton of advanced programs when I was little and then the classic tale of divorced parents and lack of giving a fuck began. I went from a christian private school to the public school system in Rosemont, California because my folks could no longer afford it, they were barely able to in the first place but wanted to give me and my sibling a proper education. I was smarter than most of my peers, but none of the other kids had that kind of care in their formative years... but they had also been toughened up, I was pasty and tiny, my fear of God and eternity was only equal to my fear of the other kids around me. These were not good times, I was living between my 3 parents, a mom, dad and alcoholic stepfather, I lied about doing my homework and when I did put in the effort, it was often lost it in transit. I was really into computers, hacking and hardware and that became my life, I went to a less trashy middle school, still constantly in flux with my living situation, started making friends and getting into Drama classes, got involved with a casting agency and started working as an actor. The staircase incident put a huge wrench in my plans and kept me from pursuing my digital dreams, still to this day my dexterity is shot. I became very unliked, the kid who assaulted me was very popular, life added a big un to my bearable situation. My two other hobbies at the time, bowling and masturbation, were also hindered. I was suicidal at a very young age, afraid of myself as much as I was god or the devils around me.<br />
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Throughout highschool, I mostly made jokes in class, tried to look up girls skirts and read books that interested me. I worked on extra curricular activities like Every15Minutes, I was well liked by the faculty and made friends with students and teachers. I started a ton of clubs (including Jedi Club) and got my ass kicked a number of times for just being small and different, I became friends with the scary trenchcoat kids and eventually started getting respect from bully's. I barely graduated yet I was the only student to speak at graduation, story of my life.<br />
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I went to city college for 9 weeks and dropped out, mostly due to a geology class. And that's where this story ends, a little background to help make my point. I have never been able to open a textbook and retain information, taking notes helps a little, but I've learned more from narratives in film/books/other media than I have when I'm using study materials. I've always been a different kind of learner, as opposed to an idiot or lazy, as I was perceived in school. I've never done myself the disservice of getting a clinical perspective on my learning abilities, I would have totally been on all sorts of drugs, but fuck that! The system wasn't designed for us, the millions of people that feel the way I do. Some say ADD/ADHD/Aspie, I was always called "street smart", I feel there's many different ways to learn and all can lead to the same discoveries. <br />
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My stops coming up so I'll take my leave for now, look forward to an update and I'll look forward to getting more info to share with you :)Riley Kilohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14663131132813828271noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2702384132857596594.post-83024917965405325972011-06-01T09:40:00.001-07:002011-06-01T09:41:11.893-07:00Just LandedHere's a little video of me in NYC, just after arriving, very excited :) more stuff soon <3<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/hepVY1N-Ugw?hd=1" width="560"></iframe>Riley Kilohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14663131132813828271noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2702384132857596594.post-83096601792841542452011-05-05T13:27:00.000-07:002011-05-05T13:27:51.693-07:00triflections<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Hello friends! I'm here in Purchase NY, in the closing hours of a long day... How do you quantify a day (in the life)? Other than a short little nap somewhere midstate in NY, i've been up for something like 40 hours, not so strange for me when i'm on the road, sleep is a luxury. I've been up for many, many, many days in the past and I think I'm starting to show my age a bit. I can't keep up with these kings card playing, Notorious B.I.G listening kids... Its cool, I've been there, whatevs, just not feeling it.</span><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">-Next morning------------------------</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">I had a great time yesterday. I slept on the floor between a mattress and a couch, close to an affectionate new girly friend, I am still kinda running on fumes, I'm heading upstate to visit some friends and eventually find my way back to my little apartment. I've been out so much, I miss my crib, I have my Teddy and diapers and a backpack with clothes and supplies, I'm equally used to having all of my possessions on my back and keeping cute on the road. I feel like the last two weeks have been stretched out over an epic trilogy, Lord of the Riley, something like that... here it goes, the last 2 weeks or so, the motion picture.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">The first movie is about a young girl who shows up in NYC, everything important to her on her back, camera in hand, looking for opportunities, friends, adventure! Like a midnight cowgirl, shes willing to do whatever it takes to be successful, but also refuses to sacrifice her own morals to get there. She sees herself slowly undressing in front of the camera, she feels special and beautiful and empowered, she feels like her is just a way to get people to open up to what's in her mind. She meets old friends who have escaped her hometown and are changing the world, she too has big city aspirations. Is this place for her? Is She capable of learning/doing what she needs to flourish there. We follow her from a gathering of minds in Jersey to an artists compound in the Bronx to the bars, smoke filled rooms and underground clubs of Brooklyn, meeting visual artists, writers and innovators along the way.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">The second film has a darker tone, our hero finds herself in a place not too far from the city, but the mindstate is worlds away. She finds herself floundering, feeling lost and directionless, without motivation or structure. She struggles in the suburbs, happy & appreciative of the kindness she's been shown, but she's hungry and this place she fears will not sate her. Our flower needs a garden growing tall around her be inspired, motivated, to open her petals to the world. She finds herself feeling the same sadness she did in her place of origin, she just wants to blossom but sometimes the suns rays are obscured.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">In the 3rd chapter (by no means a finale) we again see her life in a bag, heading towards the city. She arrives in a bizarre microcosm of the world called "college". She sees her life if circumstances were different, she's not jealous, she's happy with her path regardless of the adversity she's faced. Her prized possession is her experiences, she doesn't have all the facts but she's had the real life tests. She realizes that she can't make it all happen by herself, a fellowship must be formed to make a real difference, what she's up against is bigger than one person. Drawing from the strength of the people around her, the trifecta (triforce?) of ideas, adventures and opportunities join together, she knows that anything is possible. The film ends with our hero sitting on a Greyhound, she draws her sword and puts it to paper...</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Fade out, roll credits, lights come on, the palettes have swapped their reels and everyone has left the theatre, but everyone involved knows that's she's still out there and her quest is far from over <3</span>Riley Kilohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14663131132813828271noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2702384132857596594.post-62364365541302228832011-04-23T13:27:00.001-07:002011-04-24T05:34:47.549-07:00mulling and sniffling<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">Hello there! I'm just writing to say another quick hello, I've been thinking about this last week, my time in Jersey, the Bronx and Brooklyn and the opportunities I have ahead of me. I have a bit of text i've written in a couple different states, mentally and geographically, but nothing ready to post. I've got a little case of the sniffles, and my brains been a little stormy. I don't like talking about bad dreams, because I think that just spreads them. The topic i'm trying to breach, this moments darkness comes from Baltimore... I've been following <a href="http://twitter.com/buckangel">@buckangel</a> on twitter and theres been much ado about <a href="http://www.lgbtpov.com/2011/04/trans-woman-beaten-has-seizure-as-mcdonalds-employees-watch/comment-page-1/">this article.</a></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">Frankly, I've been pretty upset about this "shock video" McDonalds assualt on a transwoman article, i don't recommend watching the video. Essentially some folks beat up a transgirl for using the wrong bathroom... I've never been beaten up that bad, but I've feared for my life, I've been assaulted, I've had scary things happen in bathrooms. These things are to the point where I'm having difficulty speaking on it, part of who I am now is getting over some of those negative things and do what I can to make things better, I don't need to go to that negative space right now. I feel so sorry for that woman, I imagine myself at 22, the fear and vulnerability, confusion. Will it ever get better? Will a petition really change anything, or is it energy in a passive direction when action is needed? What can I possibly do to help?? Seeing this happen kinda makes it seem like nothings changing, and thats whats wearing on my mind...</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">The news is hardly covering the transgender aspect, there still seems to be a disbelief that transpeople can be innocent victims of hate-crimes, theres always for blame on the victim if the victim is a transgirl. I'm pissed, I'm upset, I'm ready to do bathroom sit-ins and pry off signs, bathrooms are the battlegrounds where the battle for gender equality begins, and it's not us who started it. I'm seeing other members of the community stand-up and take charge, it makes me feel stronger, makes me feel positive about where we're going and whats happening... its funny how the news can effect your personal life... since I saw the video about 24 hours ago, it's been in the front of my mind, getting the wheels spinning, the fire burning. Reality has a way of just crashing down on us like that.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">I'm cheering up, ok, i listened to 30 seconds of <a href="http://nyan.cat/">this</a> and feel a little better. Here's a picture of my new haircut... I've been beaten down, but still feel beautiful.</div></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPWB5aScBPg3-NNkY7uHNrjnvm_G7fKQBYGuIvTsfteG4HRR6dkKyKyPFLlnoVHx-Q_w8op-AKKGJlWrV6BnEjkiXXgNJZG9k6kw5RwS8HPyalryh-gl6uE2GjpYYyFclhMV6UyViVQa_e/s1600/DSCN1106%255B1%255D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPWB5aScBPg3-NNkY7uHNrjnvm_G7fKQBYGuIvTsfteG4HRR6dkKyKyPFLlnoVHx-Q_w8op-AKKGJlWrV6BnEjkiXXgNJZG9k6kw5RwS8HPyalryh-gl6uE2GjpYYyFclhMV6UyViVQa_e/s320/DSCN1106%255B1%255D.JPG" style="cursor: move;" width="240" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">To all the folks out there on the internets, stay strong, <b>we're in this together.</b><br />
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(Update) - <a href="http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/videos/video.php?v=wshhfW29wSuLvJyN9c47">Here's a link to an interview with the victim.</a> I fear this incident will be only a reminder of how poorly we're treated, as opposed to a catalyst for change.</div></div>Riley Kilohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14663131132813828271noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2702384132857596594.post-28021075812770672912011-04-22T07:47:00.000-07:002011-04-22T07:47:59.203-07:00upstate again<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;">Hello! I'm back from NELIcon in Jersey & a few days in NYC, just checking in to say that I've got some new pics, video and stories on the way! It was quite the adventure, and I'm looking forward to sharing it with you! </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;">more stuff soooooon!!!</div>Riley Kilohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14663131132813828271noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2702384132857596594.post-91372750299509125772011-03-28T09:07:00.001-07:002011-03-28T09:07:46.964-07:00depressive character (or) floundering<b></b><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><b></b></span></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; display: inline !important; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><b><b>It's tough being me. I've had a very long life in my short time here.</b></b></div><br />
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</b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><b>I miss California, I miss my friends and the familiar places. I miss the warm weather. </b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><b><br />
</b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><b> You'd think after all my travels I wouldn't get homesick, but I've never really had a home, just a sunshiny state and the streets of a city that taught me everything I know, good and bad.</b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><b><br />
</b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><b>I'm tired, but can't sleep. Hungry, but can't eat. Sad, but can't cry. Happy, but can only smile for pictures.</b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><b><br />
</b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><b>I still have quite a bit of work to do in my life before I can honestly say things are <i>right</i> for me. </b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><b><br />
</b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><b>I've come a long way, but still have miles to go.</b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><b><br />
</b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><b>This is merely me embracing the full spectrum of human emotions... or whatever.</b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><b><br />
</b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><b>Here's some of my favorite pics of me with famous people. </b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><b><br />
</b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><b>Cheer up Riley, go take a nap and you'll feel better, you'll get your motivation (mojo?) back soon enough.</b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><b><br />
</b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><b><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjawFu67rnPMbR5xdCo6TdjN27BJ49P6qcKeazYQJ5qSDrNZKRtvGjSl99QvapWbrHXrvrpDChOk-1SBSHlgvcBO8v5VZqvBcqUnn6rUkN_-DKQ59ubwPjarkWI1Bo-1xyrBCkwJ9Oz-Ei1/s1600/pauly.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="193" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjawFu67rnPMbR5xdCo6TdjN27BJ49P6qcKeazYQJ5qSDrNZKRtvGjSl99QvapWbrHXrvrpDChOk-1SBSHlgvcBO8v5VZqvBcqUnn6rUkN_-DKQ59ubwPjarkWI1Bo-1xyrBCkwJ9Oz-Ei1/s320/pauly.jpg" style="cursor: move;" width="320" /></a></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><b><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtnWAgj3wPnUwerWZkIhohE8mAjq4E87X75k8R3z3b2KQbfSpmMlA2ymotfkTX2E5DoHvdDPjl866mEUUJlQ_0Z8lox3DVtWkYXEtMIQgCGqE7MYtoXdSKHYcdZIZ8nWdWZKDiSP4Z7R_q/s1600/chillin+with+EJO.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtnWAgj3wPnUwerWZkIhohE8mAjq4E87X75k8R3z3b2KQbfSpmMlA2ymotfkTX2E5DoHvdDPjl866mEUUJlQ_0Z8lox3DVtWkYXEtMIQgCGqE7MYtoXdSKHYcdZIZ8nWdWZKDiSP4Z7R_q/s320/chillin+with+EJO.jpg" style="cursor: move;" width="320" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2XmwQ4zAaCMjJHDQM7LPO7eld89Qj37N61ZyOTv2B7S9M6eBPahv1uCPSvR0Ipa5OSboNOGQSqHuhF8IgstnQt2LiZcg-XR5CPHbXvtr_Wp4xObbf_79xRE0Kc8zNNdZLOFyQY0lAV-Nf/s1600/del+tha+funkee+homosapian+goin+from+town+to+town+j.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="205" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2XmwQ4zAaCMjJHDQM7LPO7eld89Qj37N61ZyOTv2B7S9M6eBPahv1uCPSvR0Ipa5OSboNOGQSqHuhF8IgstnQt2LiZcg-XR5CPHbXvtr_Wp4xObbf_79xRE0Kc8zNNdZLOFyQY0lAV-Nf/s320/del+tha+funkee+homosapian+goin+from+town+to+town+j.jpg" style="cursor: move;" width="320" /></a></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><b><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqnluxTkbAu6CK1XjZPq3HKH7rJwDGBd7-RcOKoxrBf7DsxsUqSqTyF7Kj6XFSnkds-mmdx75qrp3o75qQwUelA64vb-i2zdgIiwswT2VZXrnPSa4x1j7ksR6s19zrZ_IEB-rLZD3qoE_F/s1600/Robert+Picardo+and+my+happy+ass.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqnluxTkbAu6CK1XjZPq3HKH7rJwDGBd7-RcOKoxrBf7DsxsUqSqTyF7Kj6XFSnkds-mmdx75qrp3o75qQwUelA64vb-i2zdgIiwswT2VZXrnPSa4x1j7ksR6s19zrZ_IEB-rLZD3qoE_F/s320/Robert+Picardo+and+my+happy+ass.jpg" style="cursor: move;" width="320" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXvg-5inf24a9Q0fRHwVvICqRykeCvkRNW3oWbUjAA8FJrsJbRfvO6pO2qK5ewdm0UCo5QiU7F4kNLWPKWbicQ83hxPFHwh8dEiu4Sgs415JVKp3Xlu7Vm0ezPw9xJPe3TRm1bomD-Hwe1/s1600/chaztag.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXvg-5inf24a9Q0fRHwVvICqRykeCvkRNW3oWbUjAA8FJrsJbRfvO6pO2qK5ewdm0UCo5QiU7F4kNLWPKWbicQ83hxPFHwh8dEiu4Sgs415JVKp3Xlu7Vm0ezPw9xJPe3TRm1bomD-Hwe1/s320/chaztag.jpg" style="cursor: move;" width="320" /></a></b></div><div style="font-weight: normal; text-align: center;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><b><br />
</b></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><b>(blame it on the hormones)</b></div></div>Riley Kilohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14663131132813828271noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2702384132857596594.post-65834462592210167232011-02-26T16:27:00.001-08:002011-02-26T16:31:31.460-08:00little riley needs to fly<div style="text-align: center;"><b>it's a beautiful thing<br />
to my people who keep an impressive wingspan<br />
even when the cubicle shrink</b><br />
<b> -</b></div><div style="text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: center;"> Hey there friends... new post, new thoughts and feelings, new reasons to smile.</div><div style="text-align: center;">I'm back in New York... done with my business in California. </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">I've got 6 months more of hormones, had a great experience at planet parenthood, and have plenty of time to get established with a doctor who can see me through the rest of my transition... awesome. I have much to say about the whole trip, but for now I'd like to talk about a film that's had a profound effect on my life, it's a perfect allegory for many of my experiences in life and has led to much self-realization. I once thought the film was about following your dreams... but really, it's about more than that.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><b> </b></div><div style="text-align: center;">-<br />
<b>I've never had a dream in my life<br />
Because a dream is what you wanna do, but still haven't pursued</b><br />
<b> -</b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b> </b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0145046/">"Little Dieter Needs To Fly</a>" is a documentary by Werner Herzog examining the life of Dieter Dengler, a german-born Navy pilot who was shot down over Laos during Vietnam. He spent about 5 months detained as a POW, during his time he was subjected to torture and inhumane living conditions, he escaped and was rescued by a stroke of luck, he was around 90 pounds, broken and malnourished. His time as a POW is a sad, scary story of ruthless people acting as they do during times of war, it's an amazingly true tale of survival and overcoming the evils we face. Herzog made a more recent film dramatizing this experience, "<a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0462504/">Rescue Dawn</a>", with Christian Bale playing Dieter, it's an decent companion piece but doesn't really stand on its own. What makes this story notable isn't just the heroism or the endurance of the human spirit, it's Dieter himself, the passion he's embraced and the manner in which he conducts his life. </div><div style="text-align: center;"> Let me elaborate.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">Dieter was a young boy in Germany, his family was strong but poor, he recalls his grandfather as the only one in town who voted against the Nazi's. One night, his village was being attacked and he witnessed a plane fly right by his window, guns blazing, and that was to be his greatest inspiration. He says in the film that seeing that plane was the moment he knew that he was going to be a pilot, he needed to fly, little Dieter needed to fly. He finished his schooling, packed up his things and left to pursue his goal, Germany had no airforce at the time and so he went to where he could become a pilot, America. He put in his time as a grunt and eventually started flying, was later assigned to do missions over Laos, where he was shot down. After his crash, detainment, rescue, and lengthy recovery he became a jet pilot and later a test pilot, surviving 4 more crashes. He flew until he retired at 59, lived in San Fransisco until he ended his own life shortly after being diagnosed with Lou Gehrigs Disease.</div><div style="text-align: center;">-</div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>I knew what I wanted and did it till it was done<br />
</b><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><b> So i've been the dream that I wanted to be since day one</b></div><div style="text-align: center;">-</div></div><div style="text-align: center;"> When asked about being a hero, Dieter says "I don't think of myself as a hero. No, only dead people are heroes". I'm writing about Dieter Dengler because he's my hero. He taught me just how amazing life is, and how we can overcome our own individual struggles, no matter how intense. When I was midway through 3rd grade, my parents got divorced and transferred from Christian school to Rosemont public school district, which was about as scary as post-war Germany. Martin Luther Kings dream of the white children and black children playing together was hardly a reality, the crooked were still crooked, and hate still thrived. Through being a tiny kid with glasses, running from bullies and not feeling safe, I found my hope. One day after school, I saw one of my classmates waiting to be picked up, she was wearing a big poofy pink dress, likely on her way to confirmation. Seeing that dress, I knew that I wanted to wear it, be around it, I wanted to feel pretty, I wanted it to be ok that I was the one in that dress. That dress to me is Dieters plane, a vision of what the rest of my life would be, a goal, a passion, a reason to be.</div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">I didn't get to wear that dress, well, at least not then. I grew up, adventured out into the world, into a world I had only seen in movies and read in books, away from the things I was comfortable with. The suburbs were devoid of culture, so I put on a Velvet Underground record and went downtown. I put in my time as a hipster boy, graduated highschool and started being who I wanted to be. In the process of exploring myself and what the world had to offer, many sad, unfair, life changing things have happened. There are things that I have talked about on here, and things that I may never talk about, people have hurt me and I've hurt myself, events I can't even bring myself to recollect. I've missed opportunities, left people behind, broken solidarity with much of society, all in the name of being an individual and exploring all that our culture has to offer. I didn't know why I was doing what I was doing, I just knew I was going to do it or live a life wishing I would have. The times i've feared for my life, the times i've been broken and bruised, the darkest times, the times that I would never wish on anyone, they have not stopped my pursuit of happiness.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>- </b><br />
<b>I'd rather live it</b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>cause dreamers always chase but never get it</b><br />
<b> -</b> </div></div><div style="text-align: center;">I'm older now, and the things that have passed have done just that, passed. My dream is that the difficulties I've had may never happen to other folks, with allies and other people who understand the importance of self-worth and self-expression can make it a goal, make it a reality. I have the utmost respect for those who have seen harder times than myself, and nothing makes me happier than seeing someone express themselves in the way they see fit. Dieter and I both know that the world has a way of kicking you when you're down and also that life can be as amazing as you make it. My goal is to live as a girl and to be able to be myself, i've gone through hell to make it this way and will continue to climb into the cockpit. I will keep vigilante because that's who I am, Dieter is a pilot and I'm a girl, and we wouldn't have it any other way.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">I'm the happiest I've ever been. I have a future ahead of me that is unsure and writhe with possibility, I do not fear the unknown. For the rest of my life I'm going to be following my passions, writing, filming, exploring and sharing all I learn. Know that everyday has endless potential, and you really can do anything you desire, this world is a big sandbox. We convince ourselves that money and comfort is the goal when true happiness comes from setting your own. Little Dieter Needs To Fly taught me how amazing the world is, the beauty of it all, even through all the grime. I'm going to end this post with another <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aesop_Rock">Aesop</a> quote. Thanks for reading.</div><div style="text-align: center;">-</div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>Life's not a bitch </b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>Life is a beautiful woman. </b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>You only call her a bitch 'cause she wont let you get that pussy. </b><br />
<b>Maybe she didn't feel y'all shared any similar interests. </b><br />
<b>Or maybe you're just an asshole who couldn't sweet talk the princess. </b></div>Riley Kilohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14663131132813828271noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2702384132857596594.post-88087162332410480472011-02-13T13:43:00.001-08:002011-02-13T13:43:48.317-08:00back back to cali cali<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">Alright! I've got tickets back to California! I'll only be there for a couple days and I didn't spend the grand it cost to fly me back, and neither did any of you. I'm happy this worked out the way it did, my lack of hormones and this subpoena happened at just the right time, thanks synchronicity for always watching my cute little diapered bottom <3 I'll be able to get my hormones there, I will likely take care of all that with ease. I'm pretty excited, I'm going to be in SF and busy, busy, busy the entire time so it won't be a fun visit, but it will be a productive one. Thanks for reading, and for the concern while i was kinda floating, unsure of my future.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">Well, that was Easy! More stuff soon <3</div></div>Riley Kilohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14663131132813828271noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2702384132857596594.post-36836581223984041372011-02-09T11:06:00.000-08:002011-02-09T17:03:25.918-08:00Options!!!Hello friends!<br />
<br />
This is the hormonal situation I’m in right now. I have about 2 weeks left of hormones left, and no way to get any more through my previous prescription. I could potentially find myself back in California for no more than a couple days for a legal matter. This is something that has nothing to do with me, but still something I could get subpoenaed for. I’m a good girl and I didn't do anything wrong, but this court case has been wearing on my emotions for quite some time, it will be good when it’s over. I will find out in the next few days if I have to head back, I wouldn’t pay for the trip, and this will be the last time I will mention it. If I was in California I would simply visit planned parenthood there and get another 3 or 6 months of hormones.<br />
<br />
If that doesn’t happen, here are the other options. <br />
<br />
1.) Seeing a doctor here in Western New York, and paying out of pocket. I’ve had a couple recommended to me, but that’s not really a great option financially. When I get a job I could likely afford that, this would be ideal, I miss being employed! I would also potentially get healthcare if I was gainfully employed, which would mean I could see a doctor here with ease. If I don’t get a job, which is unlikely as I’ve had a couple positive leads lately, I will get my owed unemployment whenever the terribly overburdened Califonia Courts finalize my case (late feb/early march) and be able to see a Doctor that way. <br />
<br />
2.)Visit a Planned Parenthood in NYC that offers transgender care, financially straining due to paying out of pocket (sliding scale) and travel costs, but a perfectly viable option. The planned parenthoods of WNY do not offer Trans services<br />
<br />
3.) Order hormones online. Not the best solution but would work in a pinch, definitely an option. I will likely make this happen if I don’t head back to California for a short time. I don’t look down on folks that go about this method, but I also don’t recommend it, especially if you have health issues.<br />
<br />
<s>4.) Stop taking hormones</s><br />
<br />
As I’ve said before, I’m learning throughout this whole process and I'm in no way an expert at this, I’ve done a wealth of research but still have much to learn. Just know, I'll always take great consideration in my choices, and always make sure to keep my overall health as a main focus in my life. I’ve included a video that says much of what I’ve said in this post, I’ll be filling you in with the details as soon as I know what’s going on, right now there’s a tons of options ahead of me, I’m just waiting to see which one is going to be ideal. I'm glad I have so many options, I guess that's why I've been so optimistic. I guess it proves you can make it happen if you really want it.<br />
<br />
If you’re going to donate to the blog, now would be the time to do it. There’s a paypal link on the sidebar, I'm doing well but the help, well, it helps. I've got hair removal and SRS ahead of me, and that stuff isn't cheap! If you do, please leave your email so I can contact you personally. Thanks so much for reading, and as I say in the video, this isn’t bad, I’ve got a ton of options and they all will lead to a positive future.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">More stuff soon <3</div><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="510" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/cJrvyBJbg-8?hd=1" title="YouTube video player" width="640"></iframe>Riley Kilohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14663131132813828271noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2702384132857596594.post-89355810403759935292011-02-08T07:17:00.000-08:002011-02-08T07:18:33.979-08:00A Country Doctor: Post-Visit<div style="text-align: center;">Here's the video, as promised. </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="345" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/toC0z1TtxxY?hd=1" title="YouTube video player" width="560"></iframe><br />
<br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">More stuff soon <3</div>Riley Kilohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14663131132813828271noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2702384132857596594.post-25150374017066222862011-02-07T18:01:00.000-08:002011-02-07T18:03:11.902-08:00Moon over Parma<div style="text-align: center;">"There are many black cows, but they all make white milk"</div><div style="text-align: center;">-Pennsylvania Dutch saying I learned on the greyhound to Cleveland</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Hello friends. I made a new video, it's all edited but I need to render it overnight... gotta love HD video. I know many folks can't watch the videos, I prefer that method because I tend to write like I talk, and much of the inflections and feeling is lost in text, but I also love to write and the written word has great power, so here it goes.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">I had set up the appointment because my Kaiser healthcare isn't available in NY, the closest available doctor was in Cleveland Ohio. I set-up a new Kaiser number for Ohio, set up an appointment with a M.D. and made travel plans. I didn't have background on my doctor other than a simple fact sheet that Kaiser provides, and wasn't able to open any lines of communication between me and her before the appointment. I mentioned I was transgender to the appointment setter, and she assured me that the best thing to do was to just go in and go from there. I asked if there was a specialist, and she said no, but the doctor would be able to work with me once I got there, and that the doctors are willing to see any kind of patient. I wasn't sure if transgender care (from bloodtests to SRS) was covered by Kaiser, but I could use a check-up regardless of if it ultimately ended in hormones/transitional care.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Upon arriving about 2 hours early, I was brought into the exam room about 15 minutes after my appointment time and waited over an hour due to some issues with my Doctor messing up her password too many times and having to talk to the tech help desk. In accordance to NY state law, I could legally record the conversation for my own private purposes without her consent, so I did, it was never brought up through this entire experience, I just wanted to document this step more efficiently. When she finally came in, she alluded to being in the wrong room, largely due to my legal name still being a masculine one. I assured her she was in the right room. I told her I go by Riley, which she ignored throughout the appointment. She asked me what medication I was taking, I then spent the next five minutes explaining the purpose and effects of Estrogen and Spironolactone. She asked me basic questions, and then "what my issues were" I told her I was healthy but seeing her for a general check-up and bloodtests, as well to discuss where I was going with my transition. She asked me about "transgender meaning you have male or female genitalia?" and the lump in my throat grew twice the size, I told her I was physically and operationally male. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">At this point she started her diatribe about how she didn't have any experience in this, and that . At this point I said I was aware that this might be the case, but was hoping to be referred to another doctor that did have experience. At this point she said she'd talk to the endocrinologist and see what, if anything, the endo could do. When I mentioned the Harry Benjamin standards of care, she cut me off with dismissal and "I can't help you and I'm perfectly happy to tell you that". She ran through some personal questions, including whether or not I got periods, in which I had to reassure her that I had male genitalia. She did a quick physical through my layers of clothing, said "I was an unsual situation" and "a challenge" then walked out the room, closed the door and went into her office to use the phone. I could hear the office chatter and her on the phone, she was speaking loudly and my Itouch could pick up quite a bit of the conversation, I could hear all of it quite clearly, as I'm sure everyone in the waiting room and nurse staff could as well. She started with the conversation with "I have a strange situation here" and used words like "apparently" and "supposedly" in reference to my healthcare situation, which was entirely valid and paid for. The worst of it all is she used my full legal name in the same breath as the word transgender, giving up my personal information to a office full of strangers. At the point at which I can only assume that the endocrinologist told her that she didn't do transgender care, she quickly agreed, "I thought so" and hung up. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Upon returning to the room she again told me that she can't help me, and that the endo said "there's been other issues like this". I asked her if that meant that this office wouldn't have anything to do with a transpatient, and she said "that's correct". She then mentioned there was an individual at Cleveland Metro who works with transgender patients and "was terribly sorry she couldn't help me, but she just can't" and walked out of the room, this is the last time I spoke with her. An intake nurse walked in and spoke with me about the standard blood tests that I could take, but I had a strong desire to just get out of the building/city/state. I mentioned the loudness of my Doctors phone call, she said I was a customer and I had the right to complain. She was sympathetic, said "it's even worse if you can hear it" and "she said that to your face?" Then, with a smile, she re-iterated something she had said when I first came into the office, that my doctor was "old-school", whatever the fuck that means.<br />
<br />
As a side note, I'm not trying to paint the picture that this doctor as a monster, I'm just telling you what happened. She was confronted by something new and strange, and people react poorly in those situations, these are the failings of an unenlightened culture. Back to the story, on my discharge papers there was an allusion to my medication being declined, and the nurse said the pharmacy had just called and asked if it was to be filled, and that it wouldn't be. I'm not sure exactly, but I had further refills on my hormones and it seems as if they were preemptively declined by my doctor, cutting my several months of hormones left down to what I had on hand, 2 weeks of estrogen and spiro. At this point I decided it was best to just leave this whole situation behind me, and on walking out I was greeted with stares and sheepish smiles, as if they knew something they weren't supposed to. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">I walked out of the building, got on the phone with planned parenthood in California and found out the doctor who had signed my original prescriptions had moved on from that office, and that I would need to physically come in to renew my prescriptions. I stayed tough, trudged to the snow to my hour long RTA ride from Parma back to downtown Cleveland. I filled a large McDonalds cup full of cheap wine and hopped onto the Lakefront Lines bus back to NY, a 4 hour red-eye trip of contemplation and feeling like shit. I shared my libations with a mohawked kid from Detroit who sat next to me, he was happy to have a friendly girl to talk to while he was on his way to the city, he was making the trip to bury his father. We talked about our favorite music and movies the whole time and took turns playing Dead Space on my Itouch. I met my friends at the bus stop in NY, big hugs, went home, got into my PJ's, hugged my teddy bear and cried myself to sleep.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">And here I am. The girl you see in the videos, the smiley, pleasant young woman, that's really me. I have a temper, sure, but I don't show my cards, not ever. I internalized all this, and will use this experience to work towards a better future. I wanted to call my doctor a hick and ignorant and all sorts of things, but I kept my cool, I did everything I could and took the experience with me, the one who raises their voice to a yell is always the loser in any situation. I walked away with my pride intact, one of the few things I have left. I've got a wealth of options ahead of me, but I'll save that for my next post... rest assured, I will continue taking the hormones I have and get more before I run out. I've always been able to come up with whatever I need and this time will be no different, nothing will stand in my way. I started this post with a quote that I don't quite understand, but i'm going to end it with something that makes much more sense to me.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">I</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">feel like talking but don't preach<br style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />I'm all right<br style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />God don't make no junk<br style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />So you see<br style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />I'm all right<br style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />There's nothing wrong with me</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">-the halo benders</span></div>Riley Kilohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14663131132813828271noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2702384132857596594.post-34385020757468182522011-02-05T10:19:00.000-08:002011-02-05T11:09:52.805-08:00A Country Doctor<div style="text-align: center;"><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="345" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/HS9n0_8lrUg" title="YouTube video player" width="560"></iframe></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">I'm sitting here in my pajamas, watching Ziggy Stardust, big day ahead of me.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">There's a new look for the blog, I wanted to be able to do more with this site and couldn't with my old template.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">Expect changes.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">The Doctors appointment was a failure in almost every regard. More info once I've spilled it all out.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">I'm feeling good, I've got every reason to be depressed or self destructive, but i'm not.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">My options have changed, I have to figure things out but I'm not worried.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">more stuff soon</div></div>Riley Kilohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14663131132813828271noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2702384132857596594.post-13942755652974037612011-02-03T03:49:00.001-08:002011-02-03T03:50:21.668-08:00Give me the newsHey there! I'm headed to my doctors appointment, super excited, woke up early, long day of crossing state lines but it'll be nice to get some professional care! More stuff soon!!!Riley Kilohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14663131132813828271noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2702384132857596594.post-19287677113062375212011-02-01T16:03:00.000-08:002011-02-01T16:03:26.749-08:00in my head<div style="text-align: center;">Hey there! Here's a new video about how hormones have been effecting my mind!</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">I know it sounds complicated and i'll be exploring different aspects of it, but the video is a pretty concise idea of whats going on in my little head.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="youtube-player" frameborder="0" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/pMAdC7bj6aM" title="YouTube video player" type="text/html" width="480"></iframe></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">more stuff soon!</div>Riley Kilohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14663131132813828271noreply@blogger.com0