wonemployment

It's one month ago, I'm looking over the ledge on the golden gate bridge, feeling little drops of rain on my face, I'm tired, looking down at the blackness of the water, wondering how long it would take until I got to the bottom, would a gust of wind and save me the fate of all these drops of water, would it pick me up and drop me somewhere safe, in front of a fireplace in my footy PJ's, or would I just hit the waves like concrete. I take a deep breath, and walk back to the busstop, and go from there.

It's the end of October, and it looks like this chapter of my life is coming to an end. I won my unemployment appeal, there's a couple more steps until it's all worked out, but I won, I fucking won! I knew I would, they had not a leg to stand on, but the pain is in the process. It looks like I should be getting a bit of back unemployment, enough to get me back on my feet and off unemployment! I had a conversation with my mom the other day, she told me how she hoped that the strong "don't leach off the system" morals she raised me with stay true, she was a single mom, and through hard work and love for her family she managed. I've been in tough situations and always pulled through, and never considered unemployment an option until the odds were stacked so high against me. With a clean employment record I will have no problem getting work, and the things I've learned over the past few months in the realms of making it in your own will prove invaluable.

YES!!! I'm so excited for what's ahead of me, especially now that my path is a little bit more clear, more positive. I'm staying with a friend in the redwoods right now, very limited internet access, but I will be posting what I can. I'll be up here until further notice, possibly Portland around Halloween, do I know anyone up there? My future plans? Anywhere from a nice apartment just outside my hometown, back to SF for a little more adventure just more organized this time, or Thailand... so many options, so much potential, life is amazing. I feel like living proof that it gets better, you just have to persevere, and get past those little struggles, and the world loves and rewards you for it. More stuff soon, and thanks for all the kind thoughts, reassurance, donations, everything... look how far we've come <3

gender switch cosplay

Quick video, I have a bit of a transformation video on the way myself, this is fun to watch, and gets me all mixed up and confuzzled... in a good way <3

since 04'

6 years ago today I was in Beijing, watching the Sacramento Kings play the Houston Rockets. I could go into it, but my mind is somewhere else right now. I've been thinking about places, time and omission, so that's what I will (or won't) write about... 

I'm going to be heading north, to Portland in the near future, I'm over Vegas. I'm likely going to be there around Halloween, trying to check out a big event on Halloween. My favorite job of all time was working for a beautiful old indie theatre, built in 1917, It's a lovely, lovely place. I worked there for 6 years, as soon as I turned 15 1/2 I got my work permit and worked at Taco Bell for a little, was not happy with it one bit. I was going to an event called "Trash Film Orgy" on nights for the last few summers at the theatre, as well as frequenting a film group that held meetings there. Whatever you imagine something called "Trash Film Orgy" would be, it's that.  TFO is where I met... well, we'll talk about that later, I'm going to start crying thinking about it, so I'm going to go on with the story, and leave that part out for now.

I got the theatre job, at this point I'd like to make it clear that no matter how hard spellcheck tries to tell me different, I shall call it a theatre, it's big and beautiful and showing movies is a small part of what they do. It was the first adventure into the world of glitz and glamour for me... there'd be a Tesla show one night, then we'd clean the whole place and host a film festival the next night. I could fill a book about the celebrities i've met there and amazing shows I've seen, the things that go on in dressing rooms and working in the heart of the city. I love that fast-paced environment where everyone has to work as a team, up against an audience of people, swarms of people that just paid good money for something. I stopped doing Drama after high school because the theatre was so the same thing, except better for networking and was just so amazing when things went right, and solving problems when things went wrong is ever-so satisfying. I really miss doing that, but we move on, before I moved to the east coast I decided that I was over it, I was likely to return to some negative patterns in my life if I stayed there, and the pay is awful, and for a while I would wake up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat, after a nightmare about cleaning the butter machine.

I still love that place, it's my home in many ways, I spent more time there than any house in my life, it's the only consistent in my sordid, ever-changing life. I still stroll in with warm welcomes, many of the people I trained run the place now, everytime I go in its that bittersweet nostalgia, I have loved and lost under those lights. Film is the most precious thing in the world to me, and places like my theatre retain that sense of magic... its yosemite level awe-inspiring. The person I mentioned having met earlier had a profound effect on my life, and the theatre and him are inextricably linked in my emotions, it's a sad story with lots of happy parts, and from a time that I've tried hard over the years to understand, and feel I will someday understand and come to peace with those experiences. For now, I've spent a good deal of time away from the theatre for those reasons in particular, but when I do visit the smell of popcorn and the beauty of it all grants me so much hope that maybe I can even fall in love again.

Here's a couple pics from TrashFilmOrgy 2004. After this, I started dressing much more often, a great boost of confidence, being accepted by friends and the general public as a girl, shortly after that I started working as a girl at the theatre, and the rest is history. These pics are some history too <3

wandering eyes

Alright! I've been busy busy busy, getting things in order for my next step... which has yet to be determined. I'm at a friends house in my hometown, I needed to come back for various reasons, mental well-being was one of them. This weekend I'm either heading north towards Portland/Olympia or east towards Vegas. I rarely go north and the weather I'm sure is awful so I might put that on the backburner. Vegas is going to be warmer, a friend is moving there and it's a 24 hour city, so I won't have the difficulty between 2am and sunup like in most cities. It's a crazy place though, I'm interested in maybe exploring the city proper, Vegas is HUGE, I've only really seen the strip. Vegas is where I lost my virginity so many years ago, filming Defcon. I've been back since and it's reputation for being hazardous is dependent on how hazardous you want to get, lots of advantages for relatively sober people as myself, I've always kept a cool head in wild situations.

Its sad that I haven't had a chance to update more, I haven't had the opportunity to do a video since my last one, my camera is picky and you need firewire ports and a decent PC to upload stuff. It's been a week since my appeal, probably have 2 or 3 more weeks until I find out my future, i'm making plans for both results, I go from confident to worried to frustrated back to confident. It's going to be a great injustice if the judge doesn't approve my appeakl, but that seems to be a consistent theme in my life. I'm excited to find out the results regardless, I'm feeling very much in limbo, you will know as soon as I do!

Outside of the nail-biting anticipation I've been well. I think the main thing that's bothering me right now is that this blog could become a deterrent from people maybe "coming out", I'm afraid that my negative experiences might scare people away from expressing their true selves. It's REQUIRED you understand that my troubles are a result of my town, my visibility, my actions. My town is filled with crime and drugs and bored cowtown "douchebags", the folks that don't bother with the art scene seem to think the only thing to do in this town is get high and break stuff, pabst and meth are a great sickness in my town. As for my visibility, I'm super thin, I haven't owned a car in over 2 years and everyone in my 2,000+ student high school knew me, and the surrounding high schools were relatively aware as well, I made a pretty big impact in the suburbs during my time spent. Those "bro" kids have grown up and I'm sure are the ones throwing things out their car windows at me. "That's why I left!" says the person who's still here... I guess what I'm trying to say is that everyone has different resource levels and experiences, I've had a tough life from the get-go, seeing my Mom overcome being a single mother and everything set the path for me, I never expected or desired the easy way, life isn't about the race to retirement. I'm having a unique experience, not without trials and tribulations, but one that has and will lead to open doors and opened minds.

I will be adventuring out of here with the quickness, I'm hoping to do a bit of video before I go. I'm going to be trying to crank out as many emails and hopefully a post or two before I get back on the road again... I need to write a FAQ about some of the basics of my life, I haven't been terribly clear about a couple things, this world could use a bit more clarity and I think I'm just the girl to do it. All for the sake of clarity, I want to expand on a couple thoughts. 1st off, Thailand is starting to sound like a reality. I'm doing tons of research, talking to people, reading books, thinking it might be a place for me to land at some point. I'm still exploring it, but it would be fascinating for both my transgendered and my AdultBaby/DiaperLover readers, Thailand is a mecca for the art if beautiful transgirls as well as ageplay culture, sounds like the place to be, more on that story as it develops.

The 2nd thing I wanted to make apparent was I'm having the time of my life. There are ups and downs of course, but I could have taken "safer" options, I could have found a job at McDonalds, I could have done a wealth of things that didn't involve exploration and learning, but I didn't. Be aware that my own decisions led to this, that I have few regrets and it's not tragic, it's an adventure. If you've seen my videos you can probably tell that I'm a really sweet, friendly and kind young woman, people welcome me, I think they see the compassion in my eyes, a fresh spark, my almost decade of dead-end employment almost extinguished that flame, but it's back burning brighter than ever. My bright eyes open doors that no key or bank card could open, behind them are a millions of experiences, and my eyes will grow brighter and brighter until the moment they close, and those doors will be left open for the future Riley's of the world.

Until then, here's a song. More stuff soon!

the truth is i've been searching for some tired tranquil place

where the weather won't get trapped inside my bones

and if all these years of searching find one sympathetic face

then it's there i'll plant these seeds and make my home

P.S. - Thanks <3

weak

Here I am, back in front of a computer. Wrapped up in a blankie, asagio/spinach crackers in one bowl, chicken soup and shittake mushrooms in the other, I've got a nasty little cold, I think yesterday was the worst of it though. There's really no comfortable position to type where I am, so don't expect too lengthy of a post, my wrists are killing me. I also want to apologize for being vague, much of what I've experienced is written down in notebooks, It will come out, in posts, maybe a book someday, but for now, I don't know where to begin, so lets start with my feet. My ankle is feeling better, I haven't really abused it lately due to getting a better idea of the BART system.  I've been keeping very busy, living couch to couch, I've done some stripping, some migrant farm work, some video stuff, helped some random people move, got a couple driving jobs, its been intense, scattered, there's been some scary situations, some risks, I've found my self in situations I at one point swore I would never put myself in again, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. All this stuff, the good and the bad, is hopefully culminating into a better Riley.

I want to help others to avoid this situation, living like this is pretty brutal. That's what this whole sites about I guess, I want to be a positive example, I was lamenting to a friend that I didn't want to be a part of the negative stereotype for my community, empty, alone and on the streets, some ridiculously high percentage of transpeople are or have been homeless... my friend, a Female to Male person who has been homeless, whose couch I am currently sitting on, he responded to my negativity with hope...

"Now you have this experience as a point of reference, it's essential in helping people out of this situation, you don't just understand or sympathize, you've lived it"

That alone makes me feel much better, compassion is earned in many ways. It's amazing how many of the people around me share the utter and complete faith that  I will overcome this and any situation I am presented with. With that kind of support system, with the love of my friends who have seen my struggles and triumphs firsthand, my best and worse, they've opened their hearts and homes to me. I also feel the support and appreciation of a community of people who follow this site, I'll never feel alone knowing this, I hope I can return those feelings to our world.

I'll be posting some pictures, doing a touch more writing before the end of today, so I hope you look forward to it. I haven't gotten to many peoples emails, there's some really awesome folks out there that i've been totally ignoring, I'm sorry! And again, I have less an less time these days, so if your message is poorly written, I'm just tossing it in the trash, write something structured and thoughtful... If you need to know something, google it first! And please, stop it with the harassment about charging for private videos, my paypal sees little action these days, unfortunately its when I really need it. Producing more content is somewhat difficult, and adult content is not yet a profitable business for me, but it will be, I just don't have the resources at the moment.I'm out there meeting people, discovering new things, If I had the time and place to do a site it would be successful, I couldn't say that before. One big thing I've learned, is that friends are sometimes the best resource.

A few nights ago, I had what was probably the second best meal of my life, prepared by a good friend. The next morning I had my Unemployment Appeal, more details later, lies and hearsay and no evidence of anything, I finally learned why I was fired, and it's a very weak reason. I'm just hoping the judge doesn't have any issues with girls like me, it's his job to ignore those feelings if he has them. All things considered, I think I've got it, I just have to wait another 3-4 weeks until I find out. Until then I'll be out gathering more resources, to quote John Darnielle, "an astronaut could see from space the hunger in my eyes", I've got a full belly of food, but I'm hungry for progress, to make my success, hungry for equal rights, hungry to get my message out, whatever that may be. I have advantages that many don't have, I am full among the starving, a fire in the rain, hope among hopeless, there really are people in the streets that are making things better for the lowest common denominator, trying to overcome the darkest despair. I want to use what skills and resources I have and work to prevent people having to go through the experiences I have, but first, I have to get Riley back to good.

More stuff soon, below is a picture of me in my old room, the black walls are now white, I so wished they would be again, just further proof that the world is constantly in flux, life can and will get better! <3

Cheered UP!!!!!!!!!!

Alright, it's not just a bad pun... I've cheered up, I feel better, I got out of the city, staying with a friend in the mountains until I head back on the 3rd. I'm happy to get the rest, my ankles feeling a little better, trying to feel better, healthier, eat well again, avoid the grime of the city, wash it off with clean air, clean living and lots of exercise, physical and mental. I've been writing, learning, exploring, I can't wait to share my thoughts with you, I just need to organize them first!

More stuff soon <3